I've never wanted to be one of those guys. They're made fun of constantly, but in their own myopic world they ARE the voice of reason so as an avid sports fan I want to publish what I would like to call the 10 rules for sports fans. This can be applied to any sport at virtually any level of competition. Enjoy.
10. If you're not from that city, do not root for that team
This is probably one of the most irritating things about sports fans. They'll root for a team that's from a city that they've never been to or don't even know anybody from. Some teams are more at risk for this like the Pittsburgh Steelers or Los Angeles Lakers than others.....like the Arizona Cardinals (see a trend?). If you don't have a team that is in the metro area or entire state, you need to root for the closest team GEOGRAPHICALLY. I'll give a pass to most Phoenix baseball fans simply because we didn't get the Diamondbacks until 1998 so many of the became Los Angeles Dodgers fans. However, for those who crapped out blue their whole lives need to switch allegiances immediately. There's a team in town. Granted, they blow major ass, but they're still OUR team (hold on while I wipe my tears).
9. At the game, try to avoid knocking the guy's head off that sits next to you
Football fans are the worst at this. They're more hot blooded than Michael Imperioli on the Sorpranos. I have every reason to believe that if you root for the home team, clap after every first down, and leave the building in a single file line a football fan will throw you into a beer cart for acting "funny." It's understandable that sporting events bring out the testosterone in any man. There's been times when I've wished that my best friend's children end up retarded after a big loss by the Suns (and I'll feel REAL bad if they ever do) so it's obvious the competition is very serious. But I've never ACTUALLY put his head through my kitchen window after the one millionth time he's reminded me how bad the Cardinals are. Let's keep it peaceful guys. Do it or I'll kick your ass.
8. If you value your friendship, you will rub in the loss of a friend's team to a
CERTAIN EXTENTMen are born with this internal sensor that knows when their friends are at their weakest without them ever saying a word. Especially when it comes to sports. With ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and Yahoo Sports a person can stay up to date on every single dealing for every single team in every league. This has allowed me personally to break any horrifying news about their team long before they get to it. The most hurtful aspect though is the ability to not only let your friends know how bad their team sucks after a loss has expanded. You'll typically leave a voice mail, e-mail, send a singing telegram, or upload photos of yourself wiping your ass with the team's jersey on myspace. But at a certain point, it should stop. Although there is nothing more gratifying then rubbing it in harder than a teenage boy "rubs one out" you have to understand your friends, I'm guessing now, have feelings and if you've ever felt the crushing defeat of a last second shot.....or had to deal with 18 years of losing like with the Arizona Cardinals (where's my gun?) you know that there has to be an inhibitor.
7.If your favorite team has been the "suckiest show on turf" for more than 5
seasons, you have every right in the world to booNormally I wouldn't condone booing your own team. Although their paychecks probably quintuple yours and their posse is bigger and louder than the Wu-Tang Clan (40 brothers on stage, all of them have a microphone) they're still trying to pull out a victory. There are times though, like with, let me think of a team....okay, I'll make one up, we'll call them the Arizona Cardinals that their suckiness is just so great that they make you want to curl up in a ball in die (Anyone remember the collapse on Monday night against the Bears, excuse me while I throw my chair). After that game we booed. No I mean we REALLY BOOED the team at that time and it was totally understandable. They embarrassed themselves on national television combined with the fact I left work early to get there (okay so that wasn't so bad). Athletes may complain about the booing, but hey, it's either that or have a green lamp comically smashed over their heads in the parking lot.
6. You are under no circumstances required to take your children, wife, or other family members to the game
This is probably one of the worst things to affect most sports fans. Having to go with someone who clearly has NO interest in the game. The problem is, most people don't understand this. Hey, we dont' ASK to come along to boring romantic comedies do we? I know when I'm there I keep thinking about what if Lindsey Lohan turned into a robot made of solid gold and just started going smashy time on all the characters? Kind of like Chuck Norris. Either way, if you're a sports fan, either go with a friend, or go by yourself, there's no in between.
5. There is almost no price too high
In my lifetime I have probably spent a king's ransom to watch a bunch of dudes get sweaty and put their hands on one another. Then there's the money I spend on sports stuff (ZING!). When I tally up the jerseys, game tickets, gas, parking, pay per view packages, video games, bumper stickers, and t-shirts I've spent close to 5.4 billion dollars in sports merchandise as of last week...and I'm not ashamed of a single dollar I've spent. With sports, you're making memories, memories most women wouldn't be able to find at Nordstrom's or Target with a "cute dress on sale." I can tell you the exact MOMENT the Yankees closed the gap in the 2001 World Series against the Diamondbacks and I can also tell you the girl that lived below me in the dorm was NOT very happy I picked up my phone and smashed it against the floor. Although it was a free memory I would have given up one testicle and my first born to be there. The memories may cost, but ultimately they're priceless.
4. You have the right to life, liberty, and to not watch sports that don't interest you
As you grow even just a little bit older you begin to have less and less time for sports that have no meaning to you. Typically people (teenagers, niche sport lovers) will berate you with questions as to why you don't like figure skating or soccer. Well, it's because you have a life and those sports aren't important. You want to be able to fit in as much as you can to find that delicate balance. If UFC isn't your gig don't feel bad if everyone is telling you "all of the stars are there at the fights." Picking up a new sport means you have to learn it, learn to love it, and ultimately watch it. Personally, USC/UCLA on a Saturday may sound more interesting.
3. Bandwagoners beware....
There ought to be a special Hell for bandwagon jumpers where all of their "teams" are doing well at the same time, but don't play each other. And each time their "teams" win a game a puppy dies. These people are the worst. They jump on the train late as hell and act like they've been there the whole time. It's kind of like starting a blog 5 years after it was popular, it's just ridiculous (oh wait...).
2. You cannot root for your team to lose
It doesn't matter that a blue chip is waiting for your team, it's just blasphemous.
There ought to be a special Hell for bandwagon jumpers where all of their "teams" are doing well at the same time, but don't play each other. And each time their "teams" win a game a puppy dies. These people are the worst. They jump on the train late as hell and act like they've been there the whole time. It's kind of like starting a blog 5 years after it was popular, it's just ridiculous (oh wait...).
2. You cannot root for your team to lose
It doesn't matter that a blue chip is waiting for your team, it's just blasphemous.
1. Enjoy every moment
Some people wish they could care about things as much as you do about sports, continue to fill up on the good stuff
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